(GATE CREAKING)
(SCREECHING)
(DOG HOWLING)
(SCREECHING)
(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)
(CACKLING)
(CRYPT KEEPER SPEAKING)
Son of Dracula. Return of the Son of Dracula.
The Son of Dracula 's Revenge? Is that all you can do? Vampire movies?
I'm afraid that's not good enough.
You'd have to be a bite more versatile
to be on the frighting staff of Tales from the Crypt.
Oh, hello, creeps. As you can see, we've got an opening for a story dead-itor.
I've been conducting chop interviews all morning.
No one seems to get what I'm Iooking for.
(SIGHS)
Oh, weII. Let's see who's next.
Interesting, a brother team.
Grimm, I think I've heard of them.
This has potential, boils and ghouIs.
It's a twisted bit of gory telling about three scaracters you may recognize
at first.
It's called the ''Third Pig.''
NARRATOR.: Once upon a time, there were three little piggies.
Their names were DudIey, Drinky and Smokey.
What are you Iooking at?
NARRATOR.: DudIey Pig was the smartest of the three.
He Iived in a sturdy house made of bricks which he kept very neat and tidy.
Drinky Iived in a house made out ofan old whiskey keg.
(BURPS)
WhiIe Smokey Iived in a house made out of cigarettes and wooden matchsticks.
(CAT SCREECHES)
To say that Drinky and Smokey weren't as smart as their brother DudIey
would be putting it miIdIy
as both were sorely Iacking in the brain department.
Drinky onIy thought about one thing. WelI, maybe two things.
WhiIe Smokey... Smokey didn't think of anything at aII.
In this happy neighborhood
there aIso Iiveda devious andhungry wolf.
Mr. Wolfwas badas couldbe.
(CRASHING)
(DOG BARKING)
Andhe hada ravenous appetite.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(INHALING)
More ice, I teII you. More ice.
(INHALING)
(GRUNTING)
Damn! I know you porkers are inside. You can run but you can't hide.
I'II get you damn pigs if it's the Iast thing I do.
You, you... Oh, what rhymes with ''you''?
I'm not a damn poet.
Why does everything aIways have to rhyme in these things?
I can't heIp it.
No one taIks Iike that in these stupid, freaking...
I sound Iike a HaIImark card or something.
No one taIks Iike that.
NARRATOR.: And so the wolf left without his dinner andangry
because he couldn't endhis speech on a very goodrhyme.
(GLASS SHATTERING)
NARRATOR.: And the piggies slept safely through the night.
(OWL HOOTING)
(ROOSTER CROWING)
NARRATOR.: Come the morning,
Drinky and Smokey were very, very sad.
(WAILING)
And so you see, brother dear, we've got nowhere to go.
That big, bad woIf wrecked our homes, don't you know?
He scared us so badIy we ran and ran.
Now I guess we'II have to Iive in a garbage can.
Nonsense, you two, you can move in with me.
This house made of brick is very sturdy, you see?
DUDLEY: That bIowhard oId woIf couId never knock it down.
It's the strongest house in the whoIe darn town.
NARRATOR.: Well, the two dumb brothers wastedno time
in taking their smart brother up on his generous offer.
Drinky and Smokey moved their fewpossessions
into their brother's house.
WelI, to say that Drinky and Smokey didn't treat their smart brother kindIy
wouldbe an understatement.
They aIways sent him out on errands
andmade him cook and clean up after them.
(MUSIC BLARING)
The two brothers weren't the best guests DudIey had ever had.
Drinky and Smokey threw aII-nightparties with booze
andIadies ofeasy virtue.
(PEOPLE GRUNTING)
(WOMEN MOANING)
I say, brothers dear, couId you be a IittIe more quiet?
I thought that the city was having a riot.
NARRATOR.: They partied all night and watched television aII day.
I say, you two, how's the job hunt going?
This pain in my back shows no sign of sIowing.
It's true, brother dear, that it's jobs that we need,
but the horribIe truth is we don't know how to read.
(GUFFAWING)
NARRATOR.: Dudley the Pig knew that his brothers meant welI.
It wasn't their fault that they were born with sIow minds.
Hepreferred to remember the good times. Yes, the good times.
But for the Iife ofhim he couldn't remember any good times.
Hey, brother dear, what're you standing there for?
Yeah! We're out of beer, now get to the store.
I'II go to the store, but you better beware.
That nasty, oId woIf is stiII out there somewhere.
So cIose aII the windows and Iock up the door,
it won't take me Iong to get back from the store.
NARRATOR.: And so the smart, little piggy went to the market
to get some beer for his Iazy brothers.
But as fate wouldhave it,
that was the moment the bad, old wolfchose to arrive.
When I find a way in, that's when I attacks!
And soon I'II be dining on sweet baby backs.
(DOOR BELL RINGING)
Say, brother dear, who on earth couId that be?
I'II go to the peephoIe and take a Iook-see.
(DOOR BELL CONTINUES RINGING)
Oh, pIease can't you heIp me?
I'm fiIIed with distress.
I'm a poor swimsuit modeI who just Iost her dress.
If you'd Iet me inside, I'd be ever so gratefuI,
and I think that you'II find me to be extra pIayfuI.
NARRATOR.: Smokey couldn't believe the Iuck.
There's a cute girI outside and she wants to come in!
WeII, Iet her in, stupid, so the fun can begin.
Come right on in, Miss...
WeII, weII, weII, what have we here?
Looks Iike two IittIe piggies but where is the third?
I'II start with you two and then I'II...
Oh, the heII with it!
NARRATOR.: And so, even though the wolfstiII couldn't finda rhyme
to go with ''third''he...
WiII you shut up about that? You try it. I haven't heard you do one rhyme yet.
(SCREAMING)
(GROWLING)
NARRATOR.: And when he was done, he Ieft.
Soon after the wolfhadIeft, DudIey returnedhome.
He was startled to find the door wide open.
HeIIo, brothers dear, I'm back with the beer.
HeIIo? PoIice?
WeII, when I came home, and when I opened the door,
there was bIood on the ceiIing, chopped off hands on the fIoor.
I think the woIf did it, that shifty oId tramp.
There's bIood aII over the pIace. The gore is stiII damp.
My God, there's intestines strung round the Iamp!
The address on the house is Pig Number Three.
Jesus Christ! There's a severed head on the TV.
Be quick! Be quick! PIease hurry here quick!
I think that I'm going to be vioIentIy sick.
(RETCHING)
(NARRA TOR SPEAKING)
Hooray! Hooray!
At Iast I can cheer. The frigging poIice are finaIIy here!
Oh, thank goodness! At Iast.
You're the chief I wouId guess. WeII, come on inside,
take a Iook at this mess.
It must have been that bad, oId woIf. Oh, my Lordy!
OnIy he couId be responsibIe for a scene that's this gory.
Come, come, Mr. Pig, Iet's not make up a story.
But... But I didn't do it. I just waIked in here.
I said I'm not guiIty! Let go of my ear!
My, my, Mr. Pig, what a mess you have here.
But to me, your motive seems perfectIy cIear.
You kiIIed both your brothers 'cause they drank aII your beer!
I'm not guiIty, I say!
Throw him in jaiI or he'II sing that aII day.
NARRATOR.: And earIy the next day,
poor, innocent DudIey foundhimself in court.
Y'aII be a-rising.
The HonorabIe Judge Vic ''Leave 'Em Hanging'' Johnson presiding.
Order! Order!
Now that we're aII in, the State vs. DudIey Pig can begin.
-How do you pIead? -Not guiIty.
That's how you pIead?
Oh, I think that I've heard aII that I need.
I've got me a goIf game, and I'm in a big hurry.
I think I'm gonna hand this one off to the jury.
-Okay, big daddy. -Okay, big daddy.
The jury is back and a verdict they've got.
Is the pig guiIty or is the pig not?
-Oh, brother, is he guiIty! -Oh, brother, is he guiIty!
(GASPING)
Sorry, son, the system's done aII it can.
I sentence you to die in this frying pan.
NARRATOR.: Poor DudIey Pig. What a bIow fate had deaIt this porker.
Oh, woe is me. My heart is achin'.
For come the 'morrow, I'II just be fried bacon.
That nasty woIf, why, it's his fauIt that I am Iocked up inside this dank vauIt.
My dear sweet brothers once again to see,
wouId be the onIy wish that I'd wish for me.
Dear brother DudIey, what's aII the fuss?
We've got something to say, better Iisten to us.
HoIy smoke! My dead brothers! To see you is sweII.
TeII me, are things as hot as they say down in heII?
A bit warm, it's true,
but we're here with an important mission for you.
We'II heIp you escape and that is no goof,
but you must bring us revenge by kiIIing the woIf!
NARRATOR.: And with that, the ghostlypiggies Iifted their brother up
and with some effort pulIedhim through the window ofhis celI.
(DUDLEY SCREAMING)
What is this broken down pIace fuII of rats?
The abandoned castIe of a mad doctor, in fact.
A mad proctoIogist to be exact.
But you can stiII use it 'cause the Iab's stiII intact.
Use it? For what, oh, dead brothers of mine?
To buiId a monster, so revenge we can find!
You can Iearn how from reading this book.
It's an ancient grimoire, but just take a Iook.
You wiII Iearn how to bring our pIan to fruition.
And you won't even have to pay any tuition.
Goodbye, brother DudIey. Save our souIs from this pain.
You must stop that woIf from kiIIing again!
That woIf must be stopped, my brothers are right.
I'II get busy this very night.
(THUNDER CRACKING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(SIGHS)
Now at Iast my dark deed is done.
Life wiII soon be yours, oh, hideous one.
After hours of toiIing and sweat and strife,
I summon the powers to give my creature Iife.
(CACKLING)
NARRATOR.: And then the zombiepig monster sat up and said something
that DudIeypig wiIInever forget.
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
The IifeIess mass I have revived, now I can say it's aIive!
Live! Live! Live!
This woIf must die, that is my wiII.
I order you to kiII. KiII, kiII, kiII, kiII.
KiII. I wiII.
NARRATOR.: And so, the zombiepig monster
shambIed out the door ofthe castle
to findandkiII the big, bad wolf.
WOLF: You shouId have seen the Iook on that IittIe pig's face
as he was branded with guiIt and Ied away in disgrace.
I think it's funny. I just don't care.
In the morning that pig wiII be fried in the chair.
(WOLF CACKLING)
WeII, I guess that's enough for one night.
I'II go visit Bo Peep, she won't put up a fight.
NARRATOR.: And the naughty wolf Ieft that dark den ofiniquity
and went offto molest Bo Peep.
But he hadn't gone far into the woods
when he got the distinct feeling he was being folIowed.
(WHISTLES)
That's a reIief. It was onIy the trees.
I thought for a moment I might have been...
What rhymes with trees?
(GROWLING)
Oh, Mr. Monster, don't eat me, oh, pIease.
I forgot to mention my horribIe skin disease.
Hey, that rhymed.
(ROARS)
(BURPS)
NARRATOR.: And though the zombiepig had done hisjob,
poor Iittle DudIeypig was having second thoughts about what he had done.
What have I done?
One horribIe monster from the worId I have rid,
but created another, that's what I did.
This abomination must not continue.
I'II have to dismember it sinew from sinew.
(ZOMBIE PIG ROARING)
(LAUGHING)
LittIe pig, IittIe pig, quit stabbing my head. You can't kiII what's aIready dead.
DUDLEY: Must destroy!
(LAUGHING)
(GASPING)
I Iove this ending, I think it's neat.
And I've one thing to say. ''Pork, the other Iight meat.''
(BURPS)
I don't know about you, kiddies,
but I was gIad to see the woIf hit one out of the pork.
(CHUCKLES)
StiII, an hour from now, he'II be hungry again
and bacon for more.
(CACKLING)
You'II be happy to know, creeps,
that it Iooks Iike that opening I toId you about has been fiIIed.
Once we hammer out a few creative stiff-rences that is.
(CACKLING)